I FOUND MYSELF DEAD WITHIN.
I tried so many times, gave my selves a hope. Life is beautiful, it’s more beautiful once u alone.
You get time, to realize yourselves.
And that’s all; I was doing since last three years.
But, then, I did not smoke. Now, I gave my selves, one option, to keep my selves involved.
So, whenever, I fee low, or I feel like, I am feeling low.
I just go out and light a cigarette, telling my selves, I can take it anymore. So, I am taking a puff.
Isn’t it, ESCAPE?
Trying to run away from self, the soul, which I am able to face.
Which, I was given a responsibility to keep alive, happy and progressive.
I am losing hope day by day.
Always looking for some company, just to pass life.
Which, I also know, is not going to come back, again?
I meet so many people saying, I love communicating, sharing ideas, knowing about culture.
But, all the times, end up sharing my feelings, what I think and what should be things, according to myself.
Why do I need to do such stuff?
Why I need to go to each and everyone, and explain myself to all.
Is it that, I need attention?
Or I need a listener to share my pain, the life.
Which, I am tired of living alone.
When it was childhood, all the time I passed thinking, it’s just a phase of life, will go.
Now, I don’t remember, my batch mate, any of the classmates, who use to sit next to me.
Never been friendly. Just wanted to pass that phase.
When, the rest of kids, used to play cricket, I was the one, who use to sit in one corner, waiting for them to finish, just because, I never enjoyed playing.
Then, I use to dream, of rest of the things, why I am like this?
Is it same with everyone?
But, sooner I realized, the age, all of them, were looking for sex, and hanging with their girls.
I was still sitting in corner, thinking about my sexuality.
And now, is the time, when I do not need sex.
Because I had too much of it.
At the age of 21, looking for a partner, relationship is immature.
But, these all things, I been feeling from so long.
I need someone to be with me, since age of 12.
I just need someone to listen to my things.
My feelings, my happiness, dreams, imaginations, and to laugh, when I laugh.
Walk along the roadsides, sit under the tree, when get tired.
Go over the terrace and look to the whole city.
Hug when I take a deep breath, while sleeping and feel sad with me, when I cry.
I just need a company to be with. If this is a definition of a partner.
I call it a partner then.
Is it too enough or weird to ask or dream in this country called India, which had largest population, after china.
I don’t think so.
I have so many admirers to look at me and jerk.
Waiting for phone sex.
But, why not one waiting for me, when I need?
And so, this changes the meaning of love and lust for me.
You can say, I am too dominating and highly expecting.
But, else should I think in life, if I cannot even think of self.
Rest, comes much more later.
May be there is conflict between desire and deserving.
I feel, I lost my selves then only, when I went to the washroom, applied some liquid, just to attract people.
The moment I changed clothes, thinking, how I look after this?
Walking slow over the road, people must be looking at me and feeling ashamed.
Or the moment, I cried and covered my mouth. So that no one can hear my cry.
I tried changing my selves for the people and I killed my selves, being for the people.
Now, when people are not there, why I am feeling sad?
Anyways, dead do not desire…….
I can be dead, not my desires.
I will dream, and dreams beings a hope.