FINAL CALL FROM THE AIRPORT

i was very much aware of that he will be leaving soon.

but i was trying to divert my mind, tried keeping myself busy, after the Mumbai incident, we he didn't talked much. just PAUSED.

i got tired of writing, lots of things in mind, but was not getting answers.

 went to Delhi for my photo project, came back, again the same feelings.

 went to Gokarna, over a weekend, again the same feelings.

 wrote him, once i came back, wanted to see him, before he goes Delhi.

got the reply, lets meet on Friday, there were 4 more days left.

thought of it, i my selves said NO

by sending a good bye note.

was trying to avoid negative thoughts, tried a lot being positive.

finally the day friday came, all day i tried occupied with work, so that i dont get things into my mind.

 evening, i got lost!!!

don't wanted to be at home, went out. couldn't helped, came back.

was getting all possible negative thoughts. 

called a friend, was sounding sad, and later started crying.. alot,, alot.

couldn't hold inside anymore.

 friend felt bad, at my situation, he said, if meeting would help. said- GO!!! RUN!!!

i dont wanted to behave immature. and now, when i am writing, i am glad, i took a right decision.

 waited all night.

wrote him a msg, saying - i wish to come and see you. i will be coming to your room in morning. wanted to inform you, as i dont want you to get shocked.

he saw the msg. and no reply.

 woke up early morning, 5:45, without alarm, and went.

i reached there by 6:30

 asked the guard, he said- he left already!!!

i got numb.

started walking back. came a little. again went.

 may be the guard is lying.

checked his fb, where the last post says- on the way to Airport.

my fault, i never asked him, what time he is leaving?

well, i started walking back again.

 couldn't!!!

asked the guard, if i can go and see his room.

 he was a nice human. i am so thankful to him.

 he got the keys, we went inside.

asked him, if i can stay there for few minutes. he left.
 so sweet of him.

i started looking at things, which were left there.
felt bad to know, what position, i had into his life.
 i was thinking and was not able to live properly. once i saw all those, i faced the mirror. where i stand.

he had left the coat, i gave to him.
whenever we used to go out, he used to feel cold, and used to give my coat. one day, i asked him to keep it with himself.
 he left that coat hanging into the Almirah.

He never understood my feelings, and never accepted too.
 may be he was not made like this. was not capable of!!
NOT HIS FAULT!!!

looked around, the bed looked like- 2 people were sleeping together last night.
well, nothing to be shocked, i should not be having any problems with his lifestyle.

looked at the table - saw this Guide book - Elephanta caves, Mumbai. this was the moment, got storm into my life.
saw the left over, dirty mug, bowl..
the torn shoes,

the flowers, which i gave him, he had threw them into garbage.
 i dont know what happened to my Card,which i gave him, over christmas.

now, i was feeling, everything was into my mind. all love, passion, worries,, he was so happily living his life. was too busy. so he never got time to think of it even!!!

took pictures of everything.
 i was feeling good, being into the room.

sat there for few minutes. came back.
while came back, wrote him a msg. saying -
Thank you for everything
good, i went there.
 i stood there for my emotions, love,and the stuff, which i gifted with love.
 if today, i was not there, they would have been thrown. and i would not have been known even!!!!


got the reply, saying - sorry, we couldn't meet, as i had early morning flight!
asked him to talk, as i wanted to hear his voice, from long.

Hello!!!! Its me!!!
How are you dheeraj!!!!

i went on listening to what ever he was saying - about his bad work life, too much of stress, bcz. of new job, and blah blah!!!

so self centred. just ME!! ME!!! ME!!!

asked, him sorry, if i was wrong anywhere.
 i would still love to keep in touch, you are a nice soul.
 he says, you are a beautiful soul too.
 you will learn life slowly.
 you are too young now.

keep following your heart.

well, i had few questions to ask, wanted to look into his eyes, and see.
 but never happened.
 he never wanted to.
 he knew, he couldn't face me.

asked him, what i always wanted to hear since long. i never believed anyone.

1.
 were you sleeping with guys every night, behind me.
 we used to meet on weekends and so, rest of the week days, you were sleeping around.
 he says - YES!!
laughs,, i can hear the shamelessness.

2. i am scared of HIV infection, as we had unprotected sex. and you were sleeping everywhere.
he says- he used RUBBER, with everyone. well, i dont trust you at all.
he says- its more psychological. its not easy to get AIDS. also, you should be using Rubber from now  on wards.

3. did you ever loved me?
i took you more as a friend. you are a nice person. once i get settled in my life and get a house, you can come over . i will show you Delhi. we can do same crazy fun again!!!!

I loved you, i never wanted you to go back. so i was working all possible things from my sides.
 i was praying. and i am happy, you are in India now.
 i dont wanted to loose you. but i lost you anyways!!!

wanted to hear, few good things about me!! he started talking of himself only.. AGAIN!!!!

realized, he was so self centered. sad, negative, he never thought of what i was giving to him.
 for him, i was NOTHING!!!

so, it was so easy to throw away!!!
me and all of my stuff.
 never cared even!!!

he says- you are too dramatic. dheeraj means- full on drama.

you will learn life. you are too young.
 you are talented,and keep working, you will reach good places in future.

i dont wanted to say anything bad to him.
anyways, it was over!!!
better to say good bye to him.

still, i told him.
 he is not a nice human. he cheated me... and now, i feel humiliated and lost!!

he had no words to say- as he always did!!
 can we carry on this conversation later!!!
No, I dont want to carry it more further,
 why cant you be honest.
 i was always honest to you.

well,
People are like this. cant help.
doesn't even realized, what i was feeling.
what i was going through.


Well,
Thank you so much
This conversation helped.
 specially the pictures,which i took from his room.

imagine, if i was not there!!!
 if i never tried going there!!!

all my love, emotions, would have been locked inside that room.
those were my feelings.
 i need to respect them..
 i need to save them.

i took, all of my memories, stuff, which belonged to me. it was mine. part of me.. which i had given to a STRANGER!!!!

while coming back, looked outside, this was the place,w here we took picture together.

 Now, everything Looks so sad,, blank...

wish, if i can go back, and this all never happened only..

now, starting a new life, thinking, i never met him Only

i cant erase those feelings, moments.
 they are part of me.
i do respect all the good times and happy moments.
 i got all i deserved.
i respect it.
 Thank you so much for everything.
 i wish you all the love and success.

But,,

be honest to people in future. the one specially, trusts you. deserves trust back.
 the one who loves you, deserves the love back.

you never understood this.
 May be bcz. you are Not Indian.
may be you are not ME!!!
Dheeraj!!!!


https://www.facebook.com/dkmindia/media_set?set=a.1727392754208842.1073741886.100008144029033&type=3

LOVE; HURTS

after i moved to bangalore with this new job. was quite excited about the new city. fell in love with everything came along my way.

 be it be the streets, colors of south, people, their culture ( every morning they make rangoli, with white chawlk, outisde their house) 

was quite happy and enjoying the lifestyle. 

still, somewhere i used to feel alone. 

didnt had much friends here.

 got back in touch with my jaipur girl friend. the same one, i was working with, in jaipur before.

 one day, she asked me not to call and share things. as she has her own life there too. suggested me to go out, meet people, socialise.

as bangalore is a cool place to be in.

got back on planet romeo. 

connected with this polish guy, who was new to city. been just a week before he arrived here.

we were talking in breaks.

exchanged nos. and were talking in breaks. he was busy.

through the talks, i figured he was sexual. he keeps talking of sex, which i didnt liked. there was a moment, when i thought of not meeting him too.

( usually, i do not like people who see me as a sex object) 

one saturday, when i didn't had any money ( first week of month) asked him, what is he doing. says- he is going to gay club. 

i don't wanted to miss meeting him. so i took some money from office people and went.

met this polish guy who was over welcoming and we got along quickly.

danced, got drunk, came along with him. next morning was sunday, went out places for lunch and spent day together.

 became a habit then, we started meeting every Sunday and we used to plan things. so we go to parks, landmarks,,and places.

you can say- i was the guide to him, Indian guide AND I LIKED IT.

this was December, we met near to 13th Dec.

 planned our first trip to Pondicherry,.as i always loved Pondicherry and wanted to show him too. 

He didn't liked it much, as being a polish guy that also stayed 10 years in London, was kind of spoil t. he don't travel in night buses. got sick after we came back. i felt bad. it was my idea to take him there.

i loved being with him, as he was not able to accept India. he had complaints about everything. he was scared of going out in nights, bcz. of broken roads everywhere and No traffic rules. 

I also never liked India. always wanted to run away. but after i came here. good job and new city. i am liking this city. so for me it was a task, within myself to make him fall in love with India.

so most of the times, i was convincing him, better way of looking at things, than just complaining.

met his work friends, at a get together, where i was introduced as a boyfriend. we came more closer. i was part of each and every conversation and For me, it was a nice group to be with, as i always felt Foreigners understand me better. we had so much to talk about. better ways to look at Indian fashion, textile, crafts, and over all as a country. 

Met Italian designer working with him, who was kind of silent and never used to talk much. being a designer, i felt her weird. i wanted her to speak. she has more to get inspired being a foreigner in India.

when both of these two people used to sit together, always complaint and i always used to convince saying, things are possible.

went to Kerala over a trip in mid January over a weekend, where Italian designer also came along. she was still the same. we both tried, making her comfortable. she was going through her break up then.

mid of feb. they both went alone for the second trip to kerala, as i work 6 days a week. also i decided not to go much out with these people, as it was being expensive for me. i had to pay back my loan too.

i learned so many good things from this connection. grew interest into architecture, when we used to walk on streets, we used to take pictures. this polish guy is a pattern cutter. so he understands fashion, art, but in a different way.

 for me that was a new thing to learn.

 he used to suggest me angles of photography and i used to like his suggestions. it was new and experimental for me and my working style.

 if you see my work now its more mature and colorful. so i was liking this change.

 things were going fast, happy love, and enjoying time. again, their complain was never ending.

met this italian lady with polish guy over a drink, where they had actually made their mind to change job.

he said- for me, i am ready to go back to London. i have nothing else to loose you, other than you my darling. he was crying.

Made me feel bad as an Indian, i wanted to help him. knew him from last 3 months now. i have always seen his thinking and worried about his future.

i must help him.

started talking to my friends. where i can get in touch with best people, he can work with.

 he is too good with his work. worked with best places in London.

so just the right people were missing.

the situations at his work were getting worst and worst. it was a start up company and Indian people were not liking them interfering into everything. so it was a big problem. 

One day it came to me suddenly. i asked him to write to this company who is doing really well in European market. and they can pay him well too.

day before he said, he has started getting heart problems. bcz. he is thinking too much. i don't wanted to die someone, i know.

i wont say, i was not in love by then. i got in a habit of good morning, had lunch, good night, how was your day? and sharing things. we shared every feelings. sometimes, he used to take him own time. but for me, i always had this feeling into deep corner of my heart. he loves me. so i was ready to let him free.

 "he said- always remember, i love you."

i got into my spiritual senses suddenly. i was going temple every Tuesday and praying. i really wanted him to get fixed at better place, where he deserves. i was not liking seeing him suffering everyday. 

my prayers worked, and he went for interview and got everything fixed within 2 weeks. i was happy. i was also sad in the corner, as i knew he was going away from me. i will be left alone once again.

once we connected, he was on Grindr. i know of Grindr but i was ok of him using this. as he says- we also met over same platform right.

so, i had no answers. He says- he is new to city, he doesn't know anyone other than me. he needs to meet people, talk to them. share.. and i was ok to it. bcz. i was in love by then.

when you are in love, your few senses doesn't work. or may be we don't want to see, so we ignore.

This was my first time, i was with someone for this long. and it was nice.

yes, there were moments, when i felt, relationships are too boring. same life style. 

i was missing my creative sides. i was not doing anything new other than photography and going to places with him and taking pictures. i started working on new colors, collages, and writing again.

may be i was trying to keep myself busy as i knew he will be gone soon. just few weeks left.

 i was keeping myself busy with my personal projects. didn't meet him fro 2 weeks. 

one weekend suddenly, he went to mumbai. i got shock. he was not replying to my msges, calls. i was going more crazy. this was Holi weekend, where everyone got long weekend.

i was sad, confused, again keeping myself busy with work.

lots of things, going into my mind, still wanted him to come back and talk.

couldn't. went to pondicherry for weekend. when i was there, he says- he had a hardcore weekend. so he is tired.

my friend asked me to read it carefully. hardcore means- too much of sex.

i really felt bad. took me long to accept. yes, he went mumbai, met someone there and now everything changed. he was not ready to talk even. was too rude, why cant i travel alone? why i am suppose to share everything to you? everyone has their secrets.

felt bad, being from my side, i was always honest. and i my selves had created all Boundations for me and now when someone was showing me the mirror, was hard to face.

i went to Delhi too, after then, i don't wanted to be in Bangalore. went there for a photo project, was doing lots of photography, as we used to go places and do it in Bangalore.

 was not able to focus. don't wanted to write him too. but couldn't.

 he says- he was blocked. his body asked for it. so he had.

 i am a nice guy. he will be needing my help, supports in future too. i am a nice guy, but he is mature and he will survive. he said, bcz. his life was like this, he always stopped me to Not to fall and get attached more, bcz. now its difficult. anyways,  . so we keep in touch.

few of my senses opened after this talk. good i wrote him. i came back, got busy with my office work. was still thinking, keep thinking. was trying to keep myself all around positive things. don't wanted to be negative.

went for another weekend trip to - Gokarna, i was missing ocean. 

kept myself busy there. was trying to be happy, laugh, smile. still, my mind was not stopping thinking.

i know, its over. i need to move on.

but not this way!

after coming back to work again. today, i tried stopping myself no. of times. couldn't .

finally wrote him- hey mister! meet me before you go back. when are you leaving?

Should we plan some farewell, with your office friends too.

 he says- we already had it, last weekend.

 i was shocked, without me?

yes, bcz. you were lots of drama from last few weeks. so wanted to avoid confusion.

well, i was always nice to everyone, since beginning. i was with someone, who was new to places and was facing problems. i always helped. i shouldn't say these, as once the prayers are talked, the value decreases.

my friend says- i am wasting my age.

 i am 24, should be enjoying life.

 i cant have sex, with everyone. i need to feel connection first.

they say-  i have old school idea of love.

now, after all these experiences, i have no words. yes, i been thinking from long, as if thinking helps.

but, i am not able to understand, how foreigner mind works.

i must read more about people and countries now.

 i am someone, who is attracted towards people from out. i anyways get very less chances to meet people, talk to them, and have good conversations.

so sex wise also, i am not doing anything great. anyways, sex i have always managed, and i am happy, till the time, i am busy with my work.

i am happy, i am sad too.

i believe in karma. and letting karma do everything.

 i dont want to do anything from my side anymore.

its going wrong every time,,, again and again.

i am trying to make things work. but the way, it ending, is something which i don't understand.

Little Lost Soul ( Photo Project - New Delhi)

Little Lost Soul

                                                             Photo Project - New Delhi 

check album - https://www.facebook.com/dkmindia/media_set?set=a.1722594551355329.1073741884.100008144029033&type=3

one relaxed Sunday from past memories.

one relaxed Sunday from past memories.