i was very much aware of that he will be leaving soon.
but i was trying to divert my mind, tried keeping myself busy, after the Mumbai incident, we he didn't talked much. just PAUSED.
i got tired of writing, lots of things in mind, but was not getting answers.
went to Delhi for my photo project, came back, again the same feelings.
went to Gokarna, over a weekend, again the same feelings.
wrote him, once i came back, wanted to see him, before he goes Delhi.
got the reply, lets meet on Friday, there were 4 more days left.
thought of it, i my selves said NO
by sending a good bye note.
was trying to avoid negative thoughts, tried a lot being positive.
finally the day friday came, all day i tried occupied with work, so that i dont get things into my mind.
evening, i got lost!!!
don't wanted to be at home, went out. couldn't helped, came back.
was getting all possible negative thoughts.
called a friend, was sounding sad, and later started crying.. alot,, alot.
couldn't hold inside anymore.
friend felt bad, at my situation, he said, if meeting would help. said- GO!!! RUN!!!
i dont wanted to behave immature. and now, when i am writing, i am glad, i took a right decision.
waited all night.
wrote him a msg, saying - i wish to come and see you. i will be coming to your room in morning. wanted to inform you, as i dont want you to get shocked.
he saw the msg. and no reply.
woke up early morning, 5:45, without alarm, and went.
i reached there by 6:30
asked the guard, he said- he left already!!!
i got numb.
started walking back. came a little. again went.
may be the guard is lying.
checked his fb, where the last post says- on the way to Airport.
my fault, i never asked him, what time he is leaving?
well, i started walking back again.
couldn't!!!
asked the guard, if i can go and see his room.
he was a nice human. i am so thankful to him.
he got the keys, we went inside.
so sweet of him.
i started looking at things, which were left there.
felt bad to know, what position, i had into his life.
i was thinking and was not able to live properly. once i saw all those, i faced the mirror. where i stand.
he had left the coat, i gave to him.
whenever we used to go out, he used to feel cold, and used to give my coat. one day, i asked him to keep it with himself.
he left that coat hanging into the Almirah.
He never understood my feelings, and never accepted too.
may be he was not made like this. was not capable of!!
NOT HIS FAULT!!!
looked around, the bed looked like- 2 people were sleeping together last night.
well, nothing to be shocked, i should not be having any problems with his lifestyle.
looked at the table - saw this Guide book - Elephanta caves, Mumbai. this was the moment, got storm into my life.
saw the left over, dirty mug, bowl..
the torn shoes,
the flowers, which i gave him, he had threw them into garbage.
i dont know what happened to my Card,which i gave him, over christmas.
now, i was feeling, everything was into my mind. all love, passion, worries,, he was so happily living his life. was too busy. so he never got time to think of it even!!!
took pictures of everything.
i was feeling good, being into the room.
sat there for few minutes. came back.
while came back, wrote him a msg. saying -
Thank you for everything
good, i went there.
i stood there for my emotions, love,and the stuff, which i gifted with love.
if today, i was not there, they would have been thrown. and i would not have been known even!!!!
got the reply, saying - sorry, we couldn't meet, as i had early morning flight!
asked him to talk, as i wanted to hear his voice, from long.
Hello!!!! Its me!!!
How are you dheeraj!!!!
i went on listening to what ever he was saying - about his bad work life, too much of stress, bcz. of new job, and blah blah!!!
so self centred. just ME!! ME!!! ME!!!
asked, him sorry, if i was wrong anywhere.
i would still love to keep in touch, you are a nice soul.
he says, you are a beautiful soul too.
you will learn life slowly.
you are too young now.
keep following your heart.
well, i had few questions to ask, wanted to look into his eyes, and see.
but never happened.
he never wanted to.
he knew, he couldn't face me.
asked him, what i always wanted to hear since long. i never believed anyone.
1.
were you sleeping with guys every night, behind me.
we used to meet on weekends and so, rest of the week days, you were sleeping around.
he says - YES!!
laughs,, i can hear the shamelessness.
2. i am scared of HIV infection, as we had unprotected sex. and you were sleeping everywhere.
he says- he used RUBBER, with everyone. well, i dont trust you at all.
he says- its more psychological. its not easy to get AIDS. also, you should be using Rubber from now on wards.
3. did you ever loved me?
i took you more as a friend. you are a nice person. once i get settled in my life and get a house, you can come over . i will show you Delhi. we can do same crazy fun again!!!!
I loved you, i never wanted you to go back. so i was working all possible things from my sides.
i was praying. and i am happy, you are in India now.
i dont wanted to loose you. but i lost you anyways!!!
wanted to hear, few good things about me!! he started talking of himself only.. AGAIN!!!!
realized, he was so self centered. sad, negative, he never thought of what i was giving to him.
for him, i was NOTHING!!!
so, it was so easy to throw away!!!
me and all of my stuff.
never cared even!!!
he says- you are too dramatic. dheeraj means- full on drama.
you will learn life. you are too young.
you are talented,and keep working, you will reach good places in future.
i dont wanted to say anything bad to him.
anyways, it was over!!!
better to say good bye to him.
still, i told him.
he is not a nice human. he cheated me... and now, i feel humiliated and lost!!
he had no words to say- as he always did!!
can we carry on this conversation later!!!
No, I dont want to carry it more further,
why cant you be honest.
i was always honest to you.
well,
People are like this. cant help.
doesn't even realized, what i was feeling.
what i was going through.
Well,
Thank you so much
This conversation helped.
specially the pictures,which i took from his room.
imagine, if i was not there!!!
if i never tried going there!!!
all my love, emotions, would have been locked inside that room.
those were my feelings.
i need to respect them..
i need to save them.
i took, all of my memories, stuff, which belonged to me. it was mine. part of me.. which i had given to a STRANGER!!!!
while coming back, looked outside, this was the place,w here we took picture together.
Now, everything Looks so sad,, blank...
wish, if i can go back, and this all never happened only..
now, starting a new life, thinking, i never met him Only
i cant erase those feelings, moments.
they are part of me.
i do respect all the good times and happy moments.
i got all i deserved.
i respect it.
Thank you so much for everything.
i wish you all the love and success.
But,,
be honest to people in future. the one specially, trusts you. deserves trust back.
the one who loves you, deserves the love back.
you never understood this.
May be bcz. you are Not Indian.
may be you are not ME!!!
Dheeraj!!!!
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