“you are immature”

It’s been a long time, I been single and no love affairs happenings.

I must do something of it.

 This is serious!

 This is what my friends told me.

 And once, I finished all of my work, china trip.

 I was all set ready to jump.

It was a beautiful evening, where I decided, I must go out today.

 Bangalore being a beautiful city, where I keep on getting inspired with the colors, beauty around.

I never felt like going out. I am not a party person.

 For me,, it feels like a crowd.

 I do not want to dance in between 100 of strangers, and showing, what I got.

 I am ok, being at home, and let myself know, what I got.

Yes, so I went to a gay party, happening over the weekend and I found myself weird there. Not because of my dressings off course not.

I was decent as usual. The people around, were staring as usual. The only thing made me feel uncomfortable was – I felt awkward coming there alone. Else, everyone was in groups and busy in orgy.

Ha ha ha, what else you expect into a gay party.

So I choose to sit over the corner sofa and letting myself be me, with my smoke and my glass of drink.

Suddenly someone from the other side, came and wanted to sit next to me.

 I should not mind that. Why should i?

 Its not my personal space, right?

I allowed, he sat and he started bombarding with his curious face and questions.

 What I do? How cum I am here?

And what not!

Well, it was a good start; we shared jokes about others and the gay scene in India in general.

 I found him interesting. He asked for my no. and so, we exchanged, without giving a second thought.

 After spending some time together, we decided to go other side and explore.

 We stood and he was in front of my nose, where I felt I like him, and I decided to kiss him.

Well, he appreciated me being genuine and being honest with my feelings.

 He said generally, people don’t say what they feel.

We spend time dancing, laughing, hugging and kissing, in public, I was feeling shy.

 I was trying to hide myself inside him.

 Everyone else was just ready to jump on me.

 Somehow I managed. I am a emotional fool

 If I am with someone, I just look at him; I forget the rest of the world.

And I Must mention, it’s a crime. People come to gay parties to check out all possibilities.

So, basically, I spoilt his night, being just stucked with him, and he tried mixing with others and checking out others.

 And he mentioned it no. of times, he must check rest of the people too.

 Which I could not understand.

Weird me!

I must tell you this incident. No. of times lots of guys tried hugging me from back, while I was hugging him and dancing. I felt it weird.

 I was hugging him and dancing.

 Someone from the front tried holding my hands.

 I felt like a slut. One of those love triangle love stories, where the guy loves someone else, and fucks someone else.

Well, he was trying to get out of me, I felt it bad.

 So, I decided to go back home, I cannot handle being in a crowd of 100 people and all trying to touch you.

 I decided to leave.

 He stopped me no. of times, and so I had to.

 At the end, I decided to leave.

 And he was being a gentle man.

Dropped me, till the gate,

 And god knows, what happened what happened after wards.

I felt nice, after leaving. I wrote him a text, saying, was nice meeting you.

 Hope to see you soon.

I reached home, and I already had lots of bombarding of questions over text asking, did I reach and how I felt,, and blah blah.

We started being together over text. We were just chatting, till 4 in the morning.

 He was really interesting and I had already fallen for him, till now.

 This is real me.

Wow!!!

 I was in love Again, and I feel good.

SUNDAY- 

I slept late, as I was drunk last night. I woke up late. I already had good morning msges and asking, if I had breakfast.

I usually don’t have breakfast. I am too skinny and underweight. Trust me, I can’t help it.

Well, someone was around now. I must look good and be healthy.

 As usual routine, I went out on streets for my Instagram photography, I had one Green apple. We were continuously talking, he said, he likes the other apple. Its more pulp and tasty.

In the evening, he had a family dinner happening. I so wanted to meet him again. I already started missing the hug and the sweet lips around. Well, I went to out for dinner. He mentioned, he is a burger man.

 So, I had burger.

 You won’t believe this lover boy, had burger into his dinner, as I was having burger.

 Wow!! What a love story. a chemistry to die for!

Night also passed beautifully, sharing things, and happy talks. I feel good.

MONDAY-  

I  was all ready for my work. Suddenly got a msg. asking he wants to see me, right now. I need to send him a selfi, right away. I went office and sent it right away. Monday being a tuff day, we all usually are busy with lots of pending stuff.

I didn’t realized, I was ignoring him. He was at home, because of little headache and I felt bad. Poor boy.

I prayed for him to recover soon. I am one of god’s fav. He takes my prayers on priority basis.

 I msged and asked, if he was ok. I was worried; I wanted him to get well soon. Soonest, I mean.

He was ok till night. And I felt better.

 We shared conversation again, where he mentions he has a girl friend.

 Girl friend,  in public. He knows he is gay but he is discreet. No one knows about it. Other  than him. Hope I dnt mind it. Wow!! Why should I mind it, I was full on in love, and I wnt mind, even if someone kills me that moment.

TUESDAY-  I was not able to focus on work. I didn’t had any single msg. since last night. I was missing him badly. I wanted to meet, hug and cry bad. Somehow I tried controlling, till the first half. Later, I could not.

I thought of a short drive and come back. I took the bike from office. I just had started. Crossed the road, I was going little fast; I wanted to forget all divert my mind. I had my phone in front, where my eyes were going again and again.

 Suddenly, I felt, my phone has some msg. I got diverted and I realized, I banged a road side parked car, badly.

My bike was too much in speed. I was still into my thoughts, I was just thinking of him till then.

I stood, and first thing, I did was checked my phone.

 I realized, I damaged the car badly, well, no damage to self. Now, I belong to someone and I cant afford to do that.

 The car driver, who was sleeping peacefully inside, came and started shouting at me, badly.

I got crazy; I was not able to understand his language. I called my office people to help. I was very close to office, so they came running and someone we fixed it up. After a long discussion and after paying him 5,000 for recovery. Though he wanted 10,000.

Once I was back to work, everyone knows this already. Was a topic of discussion for more coming few days.

I was hurt a little, I was applying medicines and then I got a call from my lover boy.

Hello baby, how are you doing?

I got crazy; I was like- I am not talking to you. You are mean. You don’t care of me.

He said, he was in college and phone is not allowed there.

 Well, how do I know?

You talked of the whole world, never informed me this.

Well, he said sorry, but damage was done already.

 I made up my mind now.

 I was being crazy, in love with someone, who do not care of me even. I should be focusing on my work.

 I cannot go like this. I need to start painting again to divert my mind.

I am being stupid and crazy.

 Night was slow, sad.

 No msges. He was too busy. I also thought of not caring. I needed time for myself now. I cannot afford to be in love and damage to myself.

 My painting hands, gave me a lesson of caring of self first. And not to be stupid. He was least bothered.

WEDNESDAY –  I was trying to keep myself occupied. Still thoughts were going into my mind. I wanted to talk to him. Be honest and confess all. Day was slow and sad, as he was busy in college and I was trying to work somehow. My paining hands were not letting me do it.

I feel like a stupid.

Nights came, and we started talking again. I shared, being honest, he appreciated asked me to be honest to him. He feels bad, he is not able to give the amount of love and care, I deserve.

“I am so sorry; I am too busy with my own life. I can’t help it. If you want to be with me. You need to accept all. This is real me, different than what you show into the party. I am 19, I am a medical student. I go college, I study hard. Go directly to gym, I come back home, study, get tired and sleep. You need to accept my realities, if you really love me.  I do not want to lose you. You are so nice to me. I feel good. I feel in love too.

 I love you. I wish you were here, I could kissed you deep and fixed all”

I am stupid, I am in love. Off course, I will feel happy and be a puppet.

THRUSDAY-  Thank god, I got a msg. one of my designer friend was in town and he wanted to meet.

 He was here for work. I asked me to make it possible. He literally forced me. I could not say no.

 I went direct after work, and met him. I was so happy. We had good time. I shared this to him as well, as I was getting msges from him asking, I had dinner or not.

 I told him, I am with my friend.

By this time, he had started liking my fancy life, where I being a fashion designer, has a beautiful life, as compared to his as a doctor.

Bullshiet, be into my shoes, and you know, how fancy it is!

FRIDAY- morning was beautiful, I went directly to the event, where I helped my designer friend  fixing up the stall, ironing and everything. He was not letting me go to work. He was scared getting bored all day. I promised, I will see you after work.

 I came directly to work. Had a tuff day.

 I had so much to do. Also, I wanted to go and attend the event. My mind was at lots of places together. Well, I was happy. I love to be busy and surrounded by work.

There was a time, I could sit alone and be myself. Now, I am scared of being alone. I start thinking too much. I had a reason for going out again this evening. I went straight from work, met him. He felt nice. We had a great evening together again.

We were meeting after 3 years, when I and he started our career together. We never got time to spend time together. We had so much to talk about the whole world.

 SATURDAY - Back to reality, I had to come directly to work after he left for airport. And I was back in my own world of waiting. I was excited, with no much money left in pocket. Its 31^st and really need my salary now. Also, I wanted to go out and meet my lover boy.

Its been a happy 6 days for both of us.

I was excited all day, was waiting for the evening to come.

I got a msg. he just got free from college. A short break. He wants to know, what plans for the evening. I said, I really wish to see you now.

 I do not have any patience anymore. I did not liked it, the way he was responding to me. He sounded very tired and lazy.  He wanted to talk on phone, as he had some big and serious plans to discuss.

“Well, the idea is- I go to the party. He also wants to come, being the Halloween night. He do not want to miss it. BUT?

But, he will come alone, and go alone.

STAG!

If we see each other, we say hello, be nice. But he won’t be able to be with me all the times.

He will be busy with rest of the people too. He do not want to miss the hot crowd. He only gets one day to Explore.

Also, he has started liking me by now. He wants to check, if we are really in love or not. He is one of those, who don’t believe in fooling others over the name of love.

So, we are at same venue, but we are not together.

He was trying to be mature. Oh 19!

So, he will get to realize, if he really loves me or now!

He can think after wards, if he is ready for commitment or not. He really wanted to do it.

 I was very strict, I do not need to prove, if I love you or not. Again those weird lines, my love is fake and I am being fake to him. So, I agreed to this idea of LOYALITY TEST OF MY REAL LOVE!

I was not feeling like going to the party. I already know it. He won’t be with me. I do not know anyone else there and I am anyways not interested in others. Why should I waste?

Other side, I wanted to go and see him. I really wanted to hug him and kiss. I waited a week. I do not have control now. I was all excited and we shared conversations, before leaving for the venue. All loving feelings, full of happiness to see YOUR MAN!

WOW!!

I reached, I informed him. I did not care of others around, staring at me. I was all dressed well and looking charming as usual.

He called asking, he was waiting Down stairs. I so wanted to go, run and hug him.

He came, and I hugged him suddenly. I feel so good. He was wearing a nice shirt, was smelling good.

I was happy to see him again. He was sticking to his idea, where he tried not hugging me fully in public and was in hurry to go away and get mixed with the crowd. I felt it so bad.

I went away to bring my bag and he thought, I was leaving. He holed my hands to stop me. Suddenly he went out directly. I just heard the words- OH MY GOD!!!

I thought of following him, but I didn’t. now, I was sticking to the LOYALITY TEST OF MY love!!!

I went inside, I tried diverting my mind. Was not able to.

So, I called to check, if he left.

I had very strong inqutuions,  there is something wrong with this night. It will take my life. I am sure. I was worried, also happy in a weird way.

He asked me to come down, there is some major problem. He needs my help. Well, off course, I ran leaving everything. He met with a weird expression, which I was not able to understand. We were standing street side.

“ I cnt believe this, my brother is inside. Luckily he didn’t saw me. Why the fcuk he is here? That mother fcuker, son of b..tch, he helped me sneaking out of house, and now, he is troubling me. He should not been here. Why the fcuk he is here. He is spoiling my night.. And more harsh words.”

I really do not appreciate someone abusing their parents or family members. I myself hardly abuse someone that also, maximum of Dog… I felt it bad.

Being honest, I again mentioned, - “I do not like it. If you can say all these to your own brother, I will not be surprised, if you do the same to me”.

Well, you do not have choices, you will have to listen to me. I am completely pissed. I so want to be inside and see the guys inside. There are so many hot guys coming up inside now.

What!!!

He is worried of hot guys inside. I can’t believe this. I tried all possible ways to help him out. We can either go out together, He do not wanted to.

He wanted to wait, till the brother leaves the party and goes back.

My question- what was a straight guy doing into a gay party. He being so rich, having a personal car, would have gone out anywhere. Second question, how do straight guy came to know about a weird, location of the gay party. The venue was into a weird, inside place, where I also faced problems finding. How come he landed there suddenly?

I was not able to believe all these. I had a strong feeling. It was a lie.

Well, he looked worried and pissed. He was trying to show, he was scared, he did not got caught. His life would have been a hell. His parents, would have banned him going out. Have kept body guards, everything would have finished.

Well, I was not able to understand it. I am open about my sexuality since beginning. I never believed in living Discreet.

He says, his parents are out. So, how did the point of sneaking out came? He earlier said, he stays in faraway place from here. How cum he is saying, this area is next to his house, so his brother might have come thinking of chilling out here.

He says, his brother knows, he is out with his girlfriend. So he will be shocked to see him there.

He wanted me to go to the party organizer and complain saying, there is one straight guy inside and I am not comfortable there. So throw him out. So that he can get inside, and look at hot guys.

Wow!!!

Well, I was so confused now. I do not understand now.

So, he only suggested, he will go back home and sleep, and I can go back to the party, as I should not be spoiling my night for him.

Wow! I felt my night to be special. Trust me, I am one of those, who is more comfortable being at home. I really do not care of the hot guys, or the partying. For me, all seems to be fake, part of crowd.

I chose not to fight, and piss him more. I left.

He said- WHATEVER!!

I felt bad. I stood there as a statue, the moment he started walking away. I was expecting him to turn back, smile, and jump and hug me. Nothing happened. He kept moving,, and I started getting his image blur now. He went too far away. I could not stop myself calling him. I called him, he didn’t answered.

I got strong feeling, I will die tonight. I ran towards him. He acted smart. He turned into some another street, and now, I cannot see him. I kept walking. I reached and waited at the corner.

He was talking to some guy there. I waited for him to return back. He came back. He says- he has booked the cab, he will go back home now. I should be going back to party and enjoy. And he left.

 So mean!

I returned back, with a weird feeling. Cursing myself, I should not been coming here, anyways. Better to be at home, and work. It’s a waste.

I went inside, took my bag and was coming out. I saw him crossing inside. He saw me too.

WTF!!!

I felt like- slapping him right away, I so wanted to do that. I controlled.

So, now, I have a strong feeling, he is a lie. All fake.. I should not been trusting him. Just forget it. It’s allover now. Don’t let him use my emotions any more. I anyways suffered a lot.

ENOUGH!!

I wish to go back home, I cannot be here for a single second anymore. I felt used, cheated.

Still, I wanted to see the worst, I was there, waiting.

 He was being nice to others, ignoring me. People coming and going. It was too crowded. I was just walking, between strangers, drunk, lost, do not know, what to do. All of the faces looked scary to me. It was a Halloween night. Strangers coming and holding you. I was trying to keep myself away. He was in some corner, drinking and flirting with hot guys.

Last time, when we met, I remember he mentioned, he do not drink.

Wow!!!

I felt so loved!

Loser, I am!

I should die right away.

I tried going next to him, saying sorry for whatever all happened. I still wanted to be with him. Finish all. Start new. He was not ready. He did not even look at me.

 I left. Was all alone, over the streets now.

Felt helpless.

Is this love?

What is my fault?

What did I do?

Punish me, if I did anything wrong. I asked god, give me more pain. I need to be stronger. I felt like crying loud. I cannot, I should not. I do not want to feel weak. It was not my fault. I know my truth.

I came back home, with a empty heart, there were no more feelings left.

I msged, same as last time. I reached home.

SUNDAY- no reply to my good morning. All seen, not answered for anything.

I was late into my bed, thinking of him, what mistake I made?

Why this is happening to me?

What is my fault?

I msged the same to him, too

“You were too rude to me, and you used bad words to me.

 You said- you are living multiple lives and you are only responsible of your situations. (Yes! I said it, when we were on streets, waiting for his brother to go back from the party)

I am so sorry for my harsh words. My intension was not to hurt you.

 But, isn’t it true?

He says- you are forgiven, but loss is already done. Nothing can repair it.

“You are very much immature. You do not have capabilities to think, of my situations. I am already going through a lot into my life. I cannot handle so much of problems. We cannot be into relationship. If you are ok being as friends.”

well,

reality is- 

 we were fighting for the first time. that also for a stupid reason.

 god knows why?

i feel, bcz. he really doesn't want me to be with him. he just says, he loves me.

 for him, it was easier to stay away and just say- i love you over phone.

he cant see me around, for a long time.

 first night also, when we met, he was not able to hold me for hours. he felt suffocated and he was always trying to go and mix with the HOT GUYS!

may be,, 

 so this week, the idea of loyalty test, was to keep me  away.

usually, people go to gay parties, bcz. its easy to get 1000 of gays at a single locked place altogether. its easy, than hunting on all gay sites.

people go there with a mindset, will go alone, but for sure, will not come back alone.

may be,

 i do not want to judge him, also do not want to blame him too.

This is not new to me. Almost everyone into my life says this to me- “you are immature”.

yes!! 

i do like him.

 yes, i do love him too

i so want to be with him, but what about him?

at what cost?

why should i be compromising always?

did i enjoyed my last 7 days of my life?

or it was just a life, i would never choose to live anymore?

well,

i decided to quit and i just BLOCKED ALL OF MY POSSIBLE WAYS TO REACH HIM.

i am the one at fault, and i should be punished!!!