WHO I BELONG TO?

it was really one of coldest night of my life. one of dark and scary too.
 but, i am able to cross this too.
crossed this target too.
 whats next now?

talking of past- two people mature ( immature), immature ( mature) connects.
i do not know, if there any connection exist.
but, we talk of lots of similarities.
which never existed.
and so, every time, you realize oh,, its not happening.
why the fuck, i am here.
but, you again do the same.

this is a short description of me.
 # looser # asshole # immature.

so, finally it ended, by saying- this is our last meeting.
 where i had bottle of whisky in front of me.
and i was half bottle down already.

again, the conversation goes, and you feel inside. why the fuck i am here.
bcz, if someone you like, love, respect. you also expect the same.

well, again a weird topic- i am not able to understand the difference, between- love, liking, and lust.
bcz, i always mix it up.

ok,, so, i decided to move out.
 no regrets, no blames.
i was the one who was pouring drinks into my glass. i accept it.
i was the one who decided to go out.
i am mature enough to handle myself.

i saw the boy crying loud, in midway, scary, lonely road, fog all over.
 no car, no human, no dog.
do i really know the way.
i started walking faster, to avoid the cold.
it was really very cold out.
i was excited to meet. so, just had a smart, over sized sweater. and it was a mistake.

i was crying, bcz. of cold, my stupidity, my destiny.
not bcz. it was happening with me for the first time.
not bcz, i can not get it.
 not that, bcz, i did not got any hints as such.

i knew all.
still, i do all

# looser # asshole # immature.

and so, i was suffering.

finally reached the road, anyhow.
was too drunk, smelling all over.
cant walk properly.

one thing, i noticed- why the crime rates are so high in delhi.
 i did not meet any single police car, whole night. till morning, on my way back too.
 no one really bothered, what is this boy, why like this? and what he wants?

ok,, so, i saw a guy with motorcycle. i asked him for help. he said- no
and moved on.

fair enough.
so, i decided to sit road side, was not able to. was too drunk.
was falling, all over.

ok. the strange part, here is with a stranger. whom i asked for help. who rejected.
again, came to me. and said hello.
:)
come with me, will drop you back.
 i could not listen to him properly.
i just sat with him.

point is- do mature guys do these kinds of things?
if i am so educated, creative, passionate, what the fuck i was doing that night?
what i wanted from myself.

so, the guy also asked the same.
DO YOU HAVE PARENTS?

i was asked this question for the first time into my life till now.
i feel it bad, i feel it good too. yes, they exist. at least, i am one of lucky ones with parents.

the guy was able to just talk in punjabi only.
i was able to understand a bit of it.
we talked a bit.

you know what?
why he got me with him?
bcz. outside his apartment, there were burn fire.
he offered it to me. asked me to sit next to fire.
once its morning, i can go.
and he went inside and slept.

i was lonely again, just me and fire.
was still drunk. no idea, if i fall on fire, fall anywhere.
i was just sitting, bcz, i could just sit only.
it was too cold, the coldest night, long night, of my life.
and later, i fell sleep.
did not realized the self after that.

when woke up- i found myself at the same place, but with some sense.
i threw out a bit.
i wanted to go back to my place now, where i belong to.

yes, there is a building, there is a small room inside, there is a small single bed there.
where i am right now.

there are moments in life, where you find yourself- lonely.
lonely in the second largest populated country of world.
yes, i feel lonely.

i think of dying, suicide.
what is the use of good study, good work. does it really matters?

the school was just concerned till, i was with them. parents were concerned till i was with them.
friends were just concerned, till i was with them.
rest, who all exist into my life?

i dont know.

yes, the longest night, is still longer.
i have not reached my blanket yet.

i was lonely, poor kid, with portfolio in hand, a wallet and phone.

i really feel bad, shameful at my situation, now.
god!!!
why? why this happening to me?
 i consider myself to be best, kid of yours.
and you plan this best experience for your kid?

i feel it bad god.
hear me, if you can hear.


i started walking towards the road. there were few ladies, going for household work, early morning. asked them the directions.
 there was nothing, i could see on road, just the fog.
i just wanted to reach my place anyhow.
 feeling very cold. every sense of my body was crying in pain.

got a vehicle finally, he dropped me to half way.
while crossing the road. i saw burn fire, other side of road.
i think of whole night. i went there. there were taxi drivers, sitting and chilling.

they start making fun of me. they wanted to have sex.
wtf?

i just got up and walked out.

got another help and reached place finally.
 it was 6 in morning. all sleeping.
no human, no dog on road.

i was lonely. crying, work in my hands.


just a formal introduction- i am dheeraj, i am a fashion designer. won awards- best design collection. best student over all performance. finalist into wills india fashion week.

can look at my work on- https://www.facebook.com/dheerajkumardesigner/timeline

people say, my work is really great, unique and different.
and so, i have no job.

yes, i am a fashion designer, from incredible india.

hear my voice, if you exist
hear my voice, if you exist

oh god,, i am your child. and i belong to you.
my body, my soul.
 which no one cares, no one respects.
 not even me.
belongs to you.
 belongs to the nature, earth, trees, water, fire.
and i feel it.