PLZ STAY AWAY FROM MY HEART

Been realizing it every day.
weird but, truth

why only me?
i look around and see- people being selfish, smart, money minded
they hardly care what others feel by their behavior.
one just care about self.
and being happy being happy.

so nice no?

why do i care about others?
why do i need to think of others, before thinking of self.
i tried stopping it, but i find its natural, inherited,
cant control it.

my friend says- dheeraj, there are few people gifted with this unique gift.
you are the lucky ones.
 yes, you are weird, but its positive.
now, there are very few people around, who have heart.
so, you should feel special

don't change yourself for people.

i also say- i can save my heart, my body, my soul from spoiling from the outside world.
BUT,
HOW DO I SAVE MYSELF FROM MY OWN HEART?
 MY OWN BODY?
MY OWN SOUL?

WHO I BELONG TO?

it was really one of coldest night of my life. one of dark and scary too.
 but, i am able to cross this too.
crossed this target too.
 whats next now?

talking of past- two people mature ( immature), immature ( mature) connects.
i do not know, if there any connection exist.
but, we talk of lots of similarities.
which never existed.
and so, every time, you realize oh,, its not happening.
why the fuck, i am here.
but, you again do the same.

this is a short description of me.
 # looser # asshole # immature.

so, finally it ended, by saying- this is our last meeting.
 where i had bottle of whisky in front of me.
and i was half bottle down already.

again, the conversation goes, and you feel inside. why the fuck i am here.
bcz, if someone you like, love, respect. you also expect the same.

well, again a weird topic- i am not able to understand the difference, between- love, liking, and lust.
bcz, i always mix it up.

ok,, so, i decided to move out.
 no regrets, no blames.
i was the one who was pouring drinks into my glass. i accept it.
i was the one who decided to go out.
i am mature enough to handle myself.

i saw the boy crying loud, in midway, scary, lonely road, fog all over.
 no car, no human, no dog.
do i really know the way.
i started walking faster, to avoid the cold.
it was really very cold out.
i was excited to meet. so, just had a smart, over sized sweater. and it was a mistake.

i was crying, bcz. of cold, my stupidity, my destiny.
not bcz. it was happening with me for the first time.
not bcz, i can not get it.
 not that, bcz, i did not got any hints as such.

i knew all.
still, i do all

# looser # asshole # immature.

and so, i was suffering.

finally reached the road, anyhow.
was too drunk, smelling all over.
cant walk properly.

one thing, i noticed- why the crime rates are so high in delhi.
 i did not meet any single police car, whole night. till morning, on my way back too.
 no one really bothered, what is this boy, why like this? and what he wants?

ok,, so, i saw a guy with motorcycle. i asked him for help. he said- no
and moved on.

fair enough.
so, i decided to sit road side, was not able to. was too drunk.
was falling, all over.

ok. the strange part, here is with a stranger. whom i asked for help. who rejected.
again, came to me. and said hello.
:)
come with me, will drop you back.
 i could not listen to him properly.
i just sat with him.

point is- do mature guys do these kinds of things?
if i am so educated, creative, passionate, what the fuck i was doing that night?
what i wanted from myself.

so, the guy also asked the same.
DO YOU HAVE PARENTS?

i was asked this question for the first time into my life till now.
i feel it bad, i feel it good too. yes, they exist. at least, i am one of lucky ones with parents.

the guy was able to just talk in punjabi only.
i was able to understand a bit of it.
we talked a bit.

you know what?
why he got me with him?
bcz. outside his apartment, there were burn fire.
he offered it to me. asked me to sit next to fire.
once its morning, i can go.
and he went inside and slept.

i was lonely again, just me and fire.
was still drunk. no idea, if i fall on fire, fall anywhere.
i was just sitting, bcz, i could just sit only.
it was too cold, the coldest night, long night, of my life.
and later, i fell sleep.
did not realized the self after that.

when woke up- i found myself at the same place, but with some sense.
i threw out a bit.
i wanted to go back to my place now, where i belong to.

yes, there is a building, there is a small room inside, there is a small single bed there.
where i am right now.

there are moments in life, where you find yourself- lonely.
lonely in the second largest populated country of world.
yes, i feel lonely.

i think of dying, suicide.
what is the use of good study, good work. does it really matters?

the school was just concerned till, i was with them. parents were concerned till i was with them.
friends were just concerned, till i was with them.
rest, who all exist into my life?

i dont know.

yes, the longest night, is still longer.
i have not reached my blanket yet.

i was lonely, poor kid, with portfolio in hand, a wallet and phone.

i really feel bad, shameful at my situation, now.
god!!!
why? why this happening to me?
 i consider myself to be best, kid of yours.
and you plan this best experience for your kid?

i feel it bad god.
hear me, if you can hear.


i started walking towards the road. there were few ladies, going for household work, early morning. asked them the directions.
 there was nothing, i could see on road, just the fog.
i just wanted to reach my place anyhow.
 feeling very cold. every sense of my body was crying in pain.

got a vehicle finally, he dropped me to half way.
while crossing the road. i saw burn fire, other side of road.
i think of whole night. i went there. there were taxi drivers, sitting and chilling.

they start making fun of me. they wanted to have sex.
wtf?

i just got up and walked out.

got another help and reached place finally.
 it was 6 in morning. all sleeping.
no human, no dog on road.

i was lonely. crying, work in my hands.


just a formal introduction- i am dheeraj, i am a fashion designer. won awards- best design collection. best student over all performance. finalist into wills india fashion week.

can look at my work on- https://www.facebook.com/dheerajkumardesigner/timeline

people say, my work is really great, unique and different.
and so, i have no job.

yes, i am a fashion designer, from incredible india.

hear my voice, if you exist
hear my voice, if you exist

oh god,, i am your child. and i belong to you.
my body, my soul.
 which no one cares, no one respects.
 not even me.
belongs to you.
 belongs to the nature, earth, trees, water, fire.
and i feel it.

UNTOLD INTIMACY

SOMETIMES,
few people are blessed with good caring people around.
you can share your feelings to.
sit and talk, ask for suggestion.
 or someone like me, who just need someone to listen to him.
and if could not find anyone.
so, i choose this.

well, i just want to loved, taken serious.

after a misunderstanding  relationship, which was in my mind only.
 bcz, you always said- you are not ready for RELATIONSHIP TAG.
 fair enough.
 you said- i live far away, WHAT DO COUPLE, IN LOVE DO? WHEN THEY ARE LIVING FAR AWAY AND NEED SEX TOO?

well, you choose to have random sex, UNLIMITED.
you did not had time for me.
fair enough- you were not in love with me, right?

i was the one in love, right?
so, i always thought of you, sometimes felt, i am disturbing too much, i tried maintaining gap, when i felt, i can not control, i came back and approached again.
 IMMATURE ME.
you were the one, who was MATURE, SMART, INTELLIGENT.
 and so, you also behaved the same?
WHY?

my friends calls you, ANSHUMAN OF MY LIFE.. ( JAB WE MET)

i was more excited of coming to Delhi and meeting you than my first placement job interview.
yes, bcz, i was in love.

you said- wait for me, at certain location. i waited.
and so, i just waited only...

there were so many people crossing by, all saw me.
i may looked hot to them, some choose to be silent and pass away.
 when i was standing and waiting for you,
there were several questions, i asked myself. and all i wanted answers from you.
 bcz. my heart, was always yours.

IT NEVER SPOKE AGAINST YOU..

i could have also done the same to you.
 this time, when i am again in delhi
all of my good friends, suggested not meeting you
still i could not stop myself.
 wrote you, during lunch only.
during my first day of job.

yes, i felt it bad.
when you cleared me, saying- i was having sex, then, when you were waiting for me.
WOW...
i felt like, heating my head, why i am doing this to me, all the times.
 i have lost, all my self respect, my own heart, emotions.
this guy does not love me. fair enough!

he do not respect me too.
M SORRY, I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE..


so, i decided to meet you.
 bcz, i know, my heart.
heart always loved you
and it will, till it beats

YOU KNOW WHAT????

just because- i love you, i liked you, i wanted to be with you, i enjoyed talking to you, i was mad about your eyes,
 the way you use to look into my eyes and talk.

I had forgotten, myself actually.
and yes, LOVE FUCKED MY LIFE.

THINK-
you like someone,
so, you dnt have control on your emotions.
YOU SHOULD.

you love someone, doesn't mean, he got all the rights to misuse.
I JUST GAVE HIM MY HEART, BCZ. MY HEART LIKED HIM.
WANTED TO BE WITH HIM.
 HEART THOUGHT, WE ARE GREAT TOGETHER.

so, does that mean- i gave him all rights of my life?
NO

i have my DESIRE, DREAM, PARENTS, FAMILY, FRIENDS,
AND MORE IMPORTANT, ITS ME.

i love you,
 i still say- i love you
but, i want you to respect me too
you dont
you treated me like- a garbage.
do i look like a garbage?

i ask myself, do i deserve all these?
was these, i was dreaming of?
these were the things, i choose for myself?

NO
a big NO

I am sorry.
if i am immature, you are WORST.


i wanted to meet you again.
well, a decent, person SHOULD NOT
never... NEVER

i wanted to look into your same eyes,
ask some questions-

so, i decided to meet, and we met.
THANK YOU
YOU CAME.

LUCKY YOU, I SHOULD HAVE DITCHED YOU THIS TIME.
BUT, I MAINTAINED MY DECENCY

ANYWAY,,


so, you expect me to kiss you?
WOW

the same way, as i used to do.

M SORRY, DO I LOOK LIKE A FOOL?
i just met you , bcz. i myself don't know, even after knowing all.
after 2 years. i have not forgotten you
 i tried all
still, heart, wants to wait. give one more try.
heart still believes in DESTINY.
the dream, where i dreamed of you and me, together.

NOW, YOU FEEL IT BAD.
M SORRY, i do not want to hurt you.
 but, i do not like, hurting my beautiful SOUL TOO.
WHICH I BEEN HURTING THE DAY, I MET YOU.

you say- i dnt love you
i cant love you
i do not love anyone
people ask me for just sex.

what the fuck!!!!!!

and i say in return, I LOVE YOU

now, i see the reality.

NOW, I SEE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
yes,
you can always blame for lots of things.
 depends, i take it or not.

you want to have sex now?

OH MY GOD!!!

so, is the reason, you met me.
really?

OK, SO WAS THE REASON, YOU DID NOT MET THEN.
BCZ, YOU WANTED SEX AND YTOU WERE HAVING, WITH SOMEONE.

WHY DO NEED LOVE?
WHY DO I CRY FOR THIS GUY?
who does not know the meaning of love.


HOW DO I LOVE YOU THE SAME WAY?

I FEEL GUILTY, WHEN I TOUCH YOU.
 I DID NOT GET THE SAME FEELING, WHEN I TRY MAKING LOVE TO YOU.
 FOR ME,
 I LOVED YOUR SOUL, NOT YOUR BODY
WHEN I TOUCH YOUR BODY, I GET SMELL.

I FEEL THE LOST SOUL
THE SOUL, WHICH HAS FORGOTTEN ME.

 HOW DO I GIVE MY ALL TO THE DIRTY SOUL AGAIN
 THE SOUL, WHICH DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME, MY NEEDS, MY FEELINGS, MY LOVE, MY SACRIFICES.


WHY DO I LOVE YOU?

now, i ask it myself. and so, i move on......

TALKING SENSE

Talking sense-

Every soul, has some limits, power given, accordingly one works.

There are limited functions, which one soul can do and which can not. Whatever you try.

Over a regular phone, you can not use advanced applications. You can not put more memory into a device, than its storage power. Making sense?

So, I related soul to devices and products.

Wow

You know what?

Even I also feel it bad, when you say- I do not really mean to you. You never loved me, you have no feelings for me.

Really?

Why was the reason, when I always got a response from your side? When you needed?

Why was the reason, you initiated, if you were not sure.

What was the meaning , of those meetings, talks, touch, showing comfort, when I was with you.

 Was it just to show, yes, you are a rich brat, and you can do this.

 Bcz, you want to do this, so, you are doing this to me, as a favor?

Wow,

BUT trust me, favor are always returnable.

If not me, anyone else will surely return the favors, you did to me.

Its not that I am cursing you, its just that, I am  being practical, nature works like this only.

Its natures law.

Whatever you say, whatever you try to show.

But, for me, you are a empty hear ted , poor, helpless, soul.

When I look at you, I always go back into your past, where I do not know, you never discussed this too.

I imagine, a weird misuse of body, relations, soul, mind, facilities, more than required, more than needed.

And so, the nature wants those back from you.

Into this life only.

You never know, you will get another life or not?

Why is the reason, having so much of wow facilities, wealth, and approaches, I see you helpless, lonely.

I saw you lonely, and unhappy then too.

When I met you first time. and so, I wanted to give you happiness, for you only. I fell in love.

 When I think, of this topic seriously, I realize, I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to be with you. So that you feel happy.

I wanted to give you all, which you dream, which you need. But you are not getting.

Isn’t it the real definition of love

Someone, you care, and you want to give all to the person, which he can not do it for himself,

So, as a another related soul, you come in life, and help

Wow

Does this makes sense to you?

No?

Tell me something-

I want to ask you a very personal question.

You have discussed to me, no. of times, that you went to your doctor for surgery into your ass.

Are you suffering from some serious disease?

If you are!

Oh my dear lover, I know you don’t care about anyone, but at least think of your parents, family, your own life, body.

How can you waste it like this. Meeting no. of strangers a day.

Doing unlimited drugs, wasting resources like anything.

Anyway, its your choice, your decision.

You have always done, what you wanted to do.

You  never needed my suggestions, you never cared sharing too.

So, gong back to the main issue, what I wanted to discuss,

So, we went another country, you waste your resources, waste your body, waste, waste, waste.

You waste it a lot.

So, now, when my soul came in contact, started dreaming of a happily, life together.

Where we spend good moments, happily, in love, and doing sensible things.

 Your soul do not like it.

Do not want it.

And so, there is no love for my soul.

So, your soul is full of lust.

Still, digging into lust only.

After all these too, still not ready to change.

So, does love means change?

Yes, why would you change yourself, just for a random, guy, who loves you.

Do you really care?

Love really needs to be two way. Where you try understanding another persons view, life, expression, understanding, sharing, caring.

If it’s a one way, it goes waste. And so, we are facing it now.

M sorry, I can not love you anymore, bcz. You do not care about it. I am not getting the right response, I expect, I need, in return.

For you, a crazy soul is behind your soul, to be loved, emotions.

 You hardly care about it.

If it was for sex, lust. You been always ready and you are always ready with others too.

Or I think, I am confused between love and sex.

Am i?

Yes!!!

I am

For me, its related, very much similar. Just a diff. that one is related to soul, another is to body.

Physical and emotional needs.

You are emotionless, you don’t have any emotional needs.

 So, you do not care about it.

You accept it too.

What is the difference between a person, who is just a sex materiel by his own choice, and doing sex freely.

You are no more different than him, its just that, I have always seen poor people doing this, to maintain their life, and needs.

You accept the fact too.

People call you for sex only

And you are so proud of it.

I left all. I was meditating, to take out from my dreams, as you do not love me.

Where you were busy sleeping with people.

Your life, your choice.

Was not shocked then too. When we met after more than a year, and you were getting random calls, msges, all over dating sites.

So, practical and mature you are.

You have moved on .

Oh, god… give me energy, power to stop thinking these.

It pains.

Its not easy for my immature soul, to handle this pain.

But, tell me the truth,

Am I been able to clear all my quires?

Do I make sense?

Do I talk mature?

Or I am still mature? Sorry immature

ALONE# MY LOVE # MY FEELINGS # YOU CALL ME IMMATURE.

I feel alone.

Expecting love from a stranger, I am stranger to him.

 Isn't he a stranger to me?

 I just met him, for a casual, random date.

 He was expecting, fun, with smoke and drinks.

 My fault, I fell for him, looking into his eyes, I felt he needs someone.

 We had great time together no doubt.

But, for him, it was just a normal meeting, fun, which he could have been, enjoyed with anyone.

 He just wanted to have fun!

It was my fault, I felt, he wants to continue it more. And so, I was the one, who started planning, future plans, in my mind, my words too. My fault.

Isn't it immature?

He was feeling bad, leaving me, bcz. He knew he is going back to a world, where he is too busy with responsibilities, regular life, family, 

I was the one, who was dying to meet again, and so, we planned. I planned coming to his city and met him.

Again, bcz, he could see me coming to his city, he showed decency, met me. Had the same kind of fun, which we had last.

He enjoyed it.

 Itsnt it cool?

So, why to expect, go into details, where on loves someone, care about feelings, its just a regular meeting with regular person.

 If not me, it can be anyone. And yes, it is always someone.

Isn’t it maturity?

I was feeling bad leaving him this time too.

 Bcz, I had feelings.

I was dying to meet again, moment, I left him.

I missed my main project and tried meeting again. We planned for 3 days, where he agreed to my plans.

 He is very decent, sweet, he respects others. So, he will never say no to anything you say.

So, sweet no?

Dnt get confused of him, being a great, loyal boyfriend please!

And so, I traveled to his city again, and we met again.

 Had fun.

And you know what?

 He got bored of me, by then!

So, he got urgent calls, meeting, and family issues.

And s, I had to come back.

After this, you see the true colors.

I keep calling, no reply.

Keep missing, no reply.

My fault, I feel for the stranger, I think, I am in love.

Isn’t it one sided?

Isn’t it immature?

And so, I cry, do all immature things.

 Who cares? He do not feel the same, end of topic.

Even if you go to hell, who cares, he do not loved you

And so, I plan to go to his city, I inform him, he is decent, never forget, so, he says- yes, I will manage meeting you. Wait for me, to certain place.

Excited me, immature me, I get so happy.

Started imagining, believing into dreams again.

My fault, immature me!

I always ask myself, what is the purpose of heart in body?

Just pumping blood?

So, I waited and waited only.

Asked my heart lots of questions. Could not helped.

 Asked god, could not helped.

Why do anyone help? Its my heart, and I follow it.

Immature me!

I return back, with heavy heart, try getting busy with my regular work.

So, mature no?

Sad, you  know  what? I still feel,I am in love with him.

Do you want to know the reason, why he could not meet me, when he said, he will.

He told me, later- he was busy making out with someone, and so, he did not got time to think of me, that I am waiting.

 I was waiting, my fault.

I could not think, missing my graduation project. It was the finale of the my dreams.

Which Should I give priority?

My work? or my emotions?

So, I decided to listen to my heart, which says, if you are good at your work, world will follow you.

And trust me, if I be honest.

 When it comes to work in my life, I do not think of anyone, not even myself, not my health.

So, I was doing well, into my work, getting appreciations, and I love my work. so, I have no time for anything else.

Still, I have heart.

still i use to think of him,

and still i love, still i cry.

why?

So, I asked my selves. what do I want from him, if I say, I love him.am I really in love with the person?

No.

Do I really like him as a person?

No.

Do I really like his nature?

Am I in love with his name?

 His habits?

What he is to me as person?

 He lies

Do I want him as a frends, in my life forever, in future too.

 No,

 After all experiences, where he lies, he is not stable, to his words,

 His acts,

 His promises, do I belive him?

 No.

Do I like him, just bcz, he is rich?

 No,

 How does it helps me, even if he is rich.

 He is not a good lover to me

I do not trust him anymore.

 I do not like that body

I can not have sex with that body

That body do not attract me,

 Do not relate to my soul

 That face, I am not in love with

The nature, behave, do I really appreciate it, as a person, what he does to me or to others even?

Do I really enjoy being with him?

 No,

 I just dream of meeting next, and doing things, into my dreams.

In reality, things always happen, what I do not expect, either

So, I realise, we talked about it too.

 Waiting for things to be better, I feel, its not possible.

We can not force things to happen, as we want

 He cleared it too, he do not love anyone.

 He can not

I do not exist into his life,

 No where

There is no love, care, passion, nothing for him to me.

 What do I call as love?

I am just being happy feeling myself being in love, and I am cursing myself.

 Giving pain to my soul

 Wnt cant I stop myself.

 Isit not into my limits?

 Or I want it to be this way

 May be I love, being in pain,

Where I relate myself to the actors in movies, the way they cry, and die in pain, 

(love)

I am  just fed up with it.

I can not leave in hope, false hope.

I wait , wait and just wait.

 He hardly cares.

I do not know, when we meeting next, I do not know what is into future, together

 There is no future together,

 He do not love me, why don’t I understand it

 Is it too difficult to accept the truth

I am dieseased, I am sufferin from disease called LOVE

I am not able to get out of it.

 There is no medicine.

What do I do?

I WISH, YOU COULD UNDERSTAND MY WISHES

i have no reasons, explaining why i wanted to meet you, after a clear prospective you gave me towards, what you think of me, what you have opinion about me.
and how much i do not matter to you, at all.

you don't give a shiet, not even single per cent.
whatever i do
and trust me, still, i am forced to love you more.

is it my immaturity, where i still believe, love happened.
or is it stubborn me, who wants to prove self, by destroying himself, that no one can never say no to me.
i strongly believe, i am too good to be loved?

is it?


i have understood it very clearly-

1. into gays relations, sex matters more than feelings.
2. being a gay, you are always unsatisfied. you can not be loyal to any one. whatever you say.

this view i got from you, and for you only.
its not general or normal either
its just you
for me

also, clearing-
whatever i do, i can not have sex with you
i can not kiss that thing, where i do not respect.
feelings come out of respect or love only

sad but true
 you spoil me completely

i am being a different being now

love sucked my INNOCENCE, my TRUST
my BELIEVE

still,
i love you, and will love you forver

you are being too nice, polite, and honest
saying, you do not love anyone, ANYONE.

GOOD TO KNOW, I AM AMONG ST ANYONE.

you break me completely.
 more you broke, more it pains,
and more i realize, how much i love you

poor me
i am gifted a heart
why?



you are completely under control of your desires, where do anything to get your SATISFACTION, REQUIREMENT, YOUR FANTASIES

i am under control of my heart, where it does not let me think, anything else, than you
ITS JUST YOU

believe me or not
love me or not
i will always wait

KIDNAPPED COCK

I SAW IT, BETWEEN HIS TWO LEGS

IT WAS CRYING, IN PAIN

WAS TIED

COULD NOT BREATH IN

WAS MISERABLE

 

I was travelling, in a small public transport, where once I entered, I was touched to see his condition.

the cock, was lying between his legs, in pain.

 

every passers by, were forced to look at him, but, could not do anything to him.

may be it was destiny.

 

the picture, of a little kid kidnapped a=came into mind, where he also feels the same.

pain, feeling of lost, loosing family, away from loving ones.

torture, domination, crime.

fear of death.

 

well, the cock was a cock.

so was his destiny, life, like a cock

where at the end, it goes into stomach

true and the reality

 

when we crossed the police station, I was waiting for someone to come to make him free.
nothing happened.
he stopped at a shop, where there were lots already.
captured, into cage.
the guy waiting for him, with a knife in hands already

 

 

I thought of speaking for him once, again things came into my mind.
what will happen to him, when he is free?
 will he be able to walk on road freely?
will life b the same as US?
 

I AM NOBODY

YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN ME

DO I?

I A STILL STANDING, WHERE YOU LEFT ME...

YES, YOU LEFT ME, WTH A HOPE, YOU WILL COME.

AND SO, I WAIT.

....

 

Believing, I been chosen for a special job, by god. I always try to keep moving in life, with good reason, forgetting all. If I loose one, I am sure, some good option, is waiting for me.

Also, accepting all the people came to my life, always been nicer to me, always tried giving their best to me, what they can, into their limitations,

Were always a next step for me, to move on

I remember, you tried helping me, with my carrier, believing, u would get something from me too, in return

So, you asked too, would do I offer to you?

I am sorry, I did not understand it. May be my nature, innocence or call it immaturity. So, I did not feel it bad, when you said- you do not need a kid.

Yes, I was a kid only. I am happy, we could not continue it. I am sure, you have your reason, I had mine too. I feel it bad, and always try shorting it out, from my side. Always initiated. You being a mature, you already know all. So, you been rigid.

How do I know all, how do I understand the situations. I am always facing things for the first time, in my life. No life experiences.

How do I know, what should I do, not to hurt you, not to spoil things.

Yes, I spoilt it all.

I could been smart, used you, by pampering you, being nice, and making my issues.

How do I do it? If I am not like this.

People suggest, into the industry, if you want to survive, just do it.

I am sorry, I am blessed with a beautiful body, but also a soul inside.

Before DOING it, I always think, if I am not respecting my body, how do I expect someone else, to respect it.

Will you?

If I use my body, for my means, I am sure, you won't hesitate passing me to someone else, for your own means.

Am I a product? I do not want to live with this feeling. Keep staring at my body, asking, am i?

So, is the reason, I am a kid.

For a moment, even if I believe, I should be smart, and use people coming in life. I am sure, I won't be able to continue it for longer.

May be I could not cry in front of you, also, I won't be able to laugh in corner alone too.

I am sorry, you met a kid.

 

how can I offer you, something, which do not belong to me.?
which is not mine
I am just given life, inside this body, for my movement.
I am a soul,
 I live into this body.
how do I abuse, this body, where I live.
will you destroy your home?
how should I?

you never belonged to me, never accepted me, as yours.
I never existed for you.
it was just a body, you imagined sleeping with.
......
it can be SOMEBODY, into your dreams, having FUN
but not ME..
I AM NOBODY.
 

I WROTE IT, WHEN YOU WERE NOT WITH ME

 

Oh my dear lover,

I  want to show you mirror today.

3:37 AM-

You have seen my body, my sexy curves, you said- you can keep looking into my eyes, whole life.

There is also another side of story, where u cant keep hugging me, when I cuddle you, while I sleep, you abuse me.

Which reality, I believe?

You kissing me infront of your friends? Or you abusing me, when I am alone.

I cry in washroom, by covering my face in pillow, so that you do not hear to it.

And yes,

 You did not hear it.

How do I give you my assests, just looking at your pocket. Yes, there are differences between you and me.

I see it everywhere.

In my family, I have four room for 8 people. You have 5 rooms, for just you.

My monthly salary is the expense of you one day.

What more, I say.

But, there are differences other side too. Where I still think of you. After accepting all. But, you do not bother to look at my mail even.

4:23 AM-

oh, love

Your ex was the one who cheated on you.

now, you are my ex. who should I believe now?

you? ( who asked me, what do I offer to you? In spite I offered you my soul, body seems to be little instead).

when I look into your eyes, I felt, you are in need. you need a company.

I pity on you. and so, I came closer. I care for you like my own baby.

I should not talk of our things between. I still feel in love, when I sat in your lap, when there was no more space in car. you were kissing me all the way.

we fantasies of love, where we talk of spiritual connection, the mind, soul meeting, finding their own comfort into this world.

reality is, you just look at your own comforts.

 you call me anytime, you need. I waited for you on road for 3 hours. while you were having fun, with a stranger.

and I was praying for your well beings, thinking something is not ok.

yeah, right, you blame, we have distance issues, you need pleasure always, and so, you keep meeting people.

is it because of love? or the lust?

the lust, which you are grown with. the indefinite lust, which keep growing inside you, more you grow.

I was thinking, I am a kid, I might be wrong, and immature. so, I always listen to you blindly.

but, the reality is- you do not look into eyes, when someone crosses from front, you stare at the zip.

 

realities,

when I introduced my friends to you, my friends got a idea, I am the one, who is cheating on you.

now, when they see me talking of you, even after 2 years of meetings. see me crying, asking for suggestions, when I get fed up talking to walls.

 they know the realities now.

to be very frank, love.

all what I needed from you is caring, a good moment together, good memories of life, where I proudly share with our kids, when we grow older.

poor me, I had dreamt of our old days too.

I still think of you, how you would be now, happy or still searching for lust.

here, I would just request you, a suggestion from a stranger, who you won't admit knowing now. lust is superficial, more we go into depth, more we get lost, we start believing, its more deep inside, and more pleasure we get.

I must tell you, even the whole system blasts also, you won't find the SATISFACTION.

bcz. its not about the system, its about you.

where you feel satisfied. a cute smile of you,  a sweet cuddle, a beautiful face o you, shinning eyes, when I woke up, or the gayish hello, when you used to talk to me, saying- hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii....:::) wass up?

and I used to jump.

or the other side of story, where you keep craving, cheating your partners, lovers, parents, relatives, roaming all over the city. and searching inside pants.

where you measure length, and move on, for more longer sizes.

 

5:10 AM

dear lover,

if I would have know, I would have asked god, to add all my height to just one part- hands, legs and may be he length of my pubes too, which I keep cutting and still they grow,

I am so sorry,

 but, this is how, I have known you

I regret, why I know you?

because, still when I take your name, I imagine two faces- One which I have always loved, dreamed of. the sweet, cute ones, who I can still run and hug. say sorry myself. and kiss you.

the other one, which is the reality, where you ignore my calls, excusing, you are with your parents, busy with DIWALI prayers.( Diwali, festival of lights, goddess of wealth, prosperity in India).

while someone else, answers the call, saying- you are in washroom. I do not want to assume, who he was, and what were you doing with him. when sometimes, all of a random, you call and say, you are craving for a JOB to BLOW.

 5.42 AM

my dearest,

I wish, I could been the same as others, would have done the same.

 but, who I am then?

I have always found myself different than the others.

you made me realize UNIQUE too.

how could I use you, when I love you?

even if I do, there must be someone there ready already for me too.

should I use you, accepting, the more worst can happen to me too.

 I am sorry love.

I choose to be silent, away, and just keep dreaming. than walking on streets, finding lovers.

 

your's

unknown lover

( someone, you used to know)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WITH BROKEN WINGS, I SURVIVE.....

Now, I feel- why do we need heart inside?
if it has just a function of pumping blood into the blood vessels, why I am always been blamed, about my heart to be EMOTIONAL?

I think, there is some problem into my heart only.
I wish, I could open it, and see. how it is different from the rest.

 

I am 24 you are 42

I said- I think, I am falling for you

 you said- you already love me, you feel the connection.

we have the bond forever.

its more than just love.

 

 

I was thinking of you, day night.

you were busy into your own life.

you showed me lots of dreams, lots of talks. I believed all.

 this was not happening to me for the first time. nor do I do not know, how lovers behave, after sex.

nor do, I do not know, you will be acting the same, as rest all, into my life did.

 

I had a feeling, you are true, loyal, unique.

most important, this time, I looked into eyes.

they say- eyes always speak the truth.

 

now, I ask the eyes- are you also the same?

 

i have lots of things going into my mind all the times.

i keep blaming self. and sometimes, you.

most of the times, i am happy thinking,

 good. i got another lesson.

 

well, to be very frank, i always listen to my heart.

heart is never wrong. nor do the encutions.

if i am born with a weak heart, the heart, which feels pain, than just pumping blood

mind you,

 i am born with great self respect too.

 

it might be the destiny, may be a learning lesson to me.

 but, i do not let you use me emotionally now.

 

whatever be the situations-

either u stop caring for me.

stop sending me msges.

stop responding to my calls

stop replying to my emails.

 

you can not stop me, thinking of you

 

I will pray, every day minimum 10 times  a day, with wishes-

may god, give you all the happiness, success, prosperity in your life.

 

and mind you,

 i will do it all along my life.

they say- MOVE ON.

 no, i do not want to.

 i will not.

 

i will keep loving you forever,

the heart will keep feeling about it, till it pumps blood.

for you, it might be just a casual meeting, a sex date, a stranger, whom you hug, cuddle, sleep and relax.

 

mind you,

 i am not a product, from any super market. who you use and throw.

even, products also have prices, to be paid.

 

i will not stop thinking of you.

also, i promise- i will try my best to fulfill the dreams. which were just the words for you.

 

you were talking

i was imagining

you were making stories

i was making characters

you were naming cities

i was finding locations

 

and so, it was not a bad love story.

 

you made me wait, for long.

 now, i have stopped believing in time.

the clock, seems to be moving all around the boarders only.

every day- it has morning, afternoon and evening.

every day in the week, is same. you just name it differently.

 

the more, i am growing older, more i am loosing hope,

 hope of being

being of wings.

 

i know, once i had it.

and so, i met you

and so, it happened

 

you call it love

 i call it incident.

 

they say- every love story has an END.

YES,

MY DEAR,

 

because, you treat it like a story

but, mine is not a story, nor a fairy tell.

it has pain, and i am feeling it.

 

and so, it is ...............